Gender Roles in a Marriage

You’re married now, and suddenly your liberal vision has changed to one that seems to integrate gender roles into your home. Likely, it didn’t happen purposely, but just sort of settled like dust, into the marriage after time of being together. So, how does it happen? And why? And what impact could it have on your marriage long term?



For most couples, they start out with a general sense of gender autonomy. If the trash needs to be taken out, it doesn’t matter who does it – just that it gets done. Dinner is cooked by whomever is available to do it, as is laundry, yard work and cleaning. Yet most of us that come into relationships with such open minds, often don’t realize the impact that handed down gender roles and gender expectations will eventually have in your married life.



If you grew up in a ‘traditional’ household where dad earned the money and mom stayed home with the kids, chances are you will relinquish your liberal ideas at some point, subconsciously trying to recreate the household that you grew up in. When you have children these gender roles in the marriage can be magnified ten fold, and are often driven by maternal and paternal instincts. In other words, its easy to start out in a marriage saying that you will never do X, Y and Z – only to find yourself doing them at some point.



Making matters even more difficult, if one-half of the couple decides to stay home to raise children, this partner is often silently expected to fulfill the household duties while the other works. And sadly, over time this can cause resentment.



When one person in the marriage feels like they are ‘doing more’ around the house, regardless of why – they may eventually like they are being taken for granted. Similarly, if one person is not expected to handle the day-to-day chores and responsibilities of a household and is instead simply earning the income – they can quickly become detached from both the relationship and the inner workings of the family.



The best way to handle this is to talk about it. One good idea is to set aside one day each week whether the two of you can handle the larger chores around the home that need to be done on a weekly basis. You could also establish some sort of chore rotation between the two of you so that no one person is overwhelmed with the laundry or cooking on a daily basis. When it comes to the children, BOTH parents regardless of employment status should be involved in the discipline and the decision-making and stand together as a united front.



Additionally, rather than silently sulk or feel resentful that you are the only one who seems to notice that the ceiling fans are dusty or the mounting laundry pile in the wash room – be open and honest about what you feel. Often, if you are constantly doing everything, and not complaining – your spouse may not recognize that you are even upset or feel like you are being taken for granted.



You should also realize that despite gender – there will simply be certain things that YOU are better at, and things your spouse is better at. If the wife is the avid gardener and groundskeeper, and enjoys cutting grass and trimming hedges – then she should feel enabled to do these things without igniting a problem in the home. Similarly, if your husband is the Type-A organized type who can keep the pantries in order and loves to cook, then allow him to do it. This way the separation of duties is not based on the traditional ideas of gender roles, but rather on things, that each of you enjoys.



Gender roles are definitely not outdated. Despite the fact that today there are plenty of stay at home dads, working mothers, single parent households and dual working households, people still carry with them deeply ingrained beliefs about gender roles. Marriage is often the time when these emerge from the subconscious. If you feel like your partner should be doing something that they are not – it is in your best interest to talk about it. You may find that the two of you were raised in very different households and have differing ideas about how marriage should unfold and what makes it work. Realizing these differences early on can help you to lay out a plan for your marriage, that while alternate from how you grew up, empowers the two of you as a couple.